Phoenix Rising With Dr Z: Conversations About Grief and Loss

When Grief Comes With Betrayal: Mourning Someone Who Lied | Part 1
 
What happens when someone dies and, in the process of grieving them, you discover that parts of the person you knew may not have been true?
In Part 1 of this deeply personal conversation, Dr. Christina Zampitella is joined by psychologist and author Dr. Niki Serravalle to explore a complicated and rarely discussed kind of grief: grieving the death of someone who lied about significant parts of their life.
Dr. Serravalle shares the story of her relationship with her late ex-husband, from the intense connection they experienced early on to the small, seemingly inconsequential lies that eventually gave way to much larger deceptions.
Together, Christina and Niki explore the confusion of loving and trusting someone while also learning to overlook inconsistencies, and how patterns of codependency can become intertwined with relationships marked by instability and deception.
The conversation also examines the difference between compulsive lying and intentional manipulation, how codependency can show up even in people who appear strong and self-aware, and the grief that can happen long before a physical death when a relationship or the life you believed you had begins to disappear.
Then, after her late ex-husband’s unexpected death, Niki made a discovery that challenged one of the most fundamental stories he had told about himself. Despite years of describing himself as a Marine and appearing to live with the physical and psychological effects of military service, his family told her he had never served in the military.
That discovery opened an entirely new layer of grief and an unsettling question:
Who exactly are you grieving when you can no longer be certain who the person was?
Part 2 continues 9/15.
 
Subscribe to Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z for conversations about grief, trauma, healing, and the complicated experiences that don't always fit neatly into traditional conversations about loss.
 
Chapters
00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising
00:45 Meet Dr. Niki Serravalle
01:30 Grieving the Death of a Liar
02:40 How Niki and Ed Met
04:15 Love Bombing vs. Intense Love
06:10 When the Small Lies Began
07:35 Discovering the First Major Lie
09:05 When He Suddenly Disappeared
10:05 Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive
10:45 Being Pulled Back Into the Relationship
11:40 Codependency and the Need to Fix
13:25 Marriage, Money and More Questions
15:20 The Gambling Story
17:40 Understanding Niki's Codependency
19:25 Finding a Sense of Self
21:35 Why the Lies Became Easier to Ignore
23:35 When the Lies Became Part of His Identity
24:10 Ed's Story of Being a Marine
25:40 What Niki Discovered After His Death
27:00 “He Was Never in the Military”
 
Key Takeaways
Grief can become complicated when the person you lost is also someone you're still trying to understand.
Death can remove the possibility of asking questions, getting clarification, or ever knowing the complete truth. For someone grieving after deception, mourning may involve both the person who died and the unanswered questions they left behind.
You can grieve someone who is still alive.
Niki describes grieving the connection and relationship she believed she had when Ed abruptly disappeared from her life. Grief isn't limited to physical death. We can also grieve relationships, futures, identities, trust, and the version of life we believed we were building.
Codependency doesn't always look like neediness.
For Niki, codependency showed up as giving up her own truth to protect someone else's, trying to create enough safety for another person to change, and believing that if she could make things okay for him, the relationship would be okay.
A person can be accomplished, independent, and self-aware in many areas of life while still experiencing codependent patterns within intimate relationships.
Knowing that someone lies doesn't necessarily mean you recognize the biggest lies.
Once smaller lies became expected, Niki stopped looking as closely at certain details. Meanwhile, some of the largest deceptions were woven into enough truth and consistency that they seemed unquestionable.
Contradictory truths can exist in grief.
Someone can have lied, caused harm, or behaved in deeply confusing ways while still having been loved and experienced as meaningful.
Recognizing harmful behavior does not automatically erase the relationship, and loving someone does not require denying the harm they caused.
A death can change not only how you see the future, but how you understand the past.
Learning after Ed's death that he had apparently never served in the military meant Niki wasn't simply processing his death. She was also being asked to reconsider years of memories, conversations, and assumptions about who he had been.
That creates a unique form of grief in which the mourner may be trying to reconstruct both the relationship and the identity of the person they lost.
 

 Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss with Gyani Richards
In this episode, Christina and Gyani discuss ritual as a structured, therapeutic container that supports presence, safety, and transformation during grief. They frame healing work as descended from shamanic traditions and describe ritual as a non-intellectual, embodied “descent” that helps people tolerate uncertainty, identity shifts (e.g., widow, orphan), and the vulnerability grief exposes. They explore how rituals can honor losses, mark shattering life changes, and support a continued bond with the deceased, while cautioning against prescribing one-size-fits-all rituals and emphasizing autonomy, choice within structure, and customization. The conversation also highlights grief’s somatic nature, fears about being overwhelmed by emotion, and the idea that grief needs space to move. They close with the caterpillar-to-butterfly metaphor, emphasizing that struggle is part of transformation and cannot be bypassed.
00:00 Why Ritual Matters00:28 Therapy as Ritual Space02:11 Rituals Across Cultures03:43 Personal Loss Markers07:37 Beyond Intellectualizing10:09 Liminal Space Qualities11:57 Identity After Loss16:19 Continuing Bonds20:38 Prescribed vs Personal25:13 Choice Within Structure28:29 Making Holidays Bearable30:37 Grief in the Body34:02 Simple Everyday Rituals35:15 Fear of the Grief Well36:52 Caterpillar Metaphor42:05 Dont Meddle Support42:40 Where to Find Gyani43:31 Final Wrap Up

Ritual & Grief: Creating Sacred Containers for Loss
 
Dr. Zampitella welcomes back grief counselor Gyani Richards to discuss how ritual supports the grieving process. Gyani describes grief as a rite of passage with separation, a liminal in-between, and reintegration, and explains ritual as an “on-ramp” that creates a container giving access to parts of ourselves otherwise unavailable—ranging from simple acts like lighting a candle to communal ceremonies.
 
They explore how intention distinguishes ritual from habit or activity and how ritual helps create “right relationship” with loss—close enough to learn without being overwhelmed. Gyani shares a death-and-dying workshop framed as preparing to “die” on Sunday at 5:00, while Dr. Z recounts peak experiences in nature and a Navajo healing ceremony involving peyote. They conclude that people turn to ritual to hold the vast mystery of death and that even counseling can function as a ritualized container.
Tune in next week for part 2.
 
Chapters:
00:00 Welcome Back
00:57 Meet Gyani Richards01:57 Rituals In Grief03:26 Grief As Passage08:13 Right Relationship11:18 Death Workshop Story14:33 Death Anxiety Talk15:32 Ritual Versus Habit18:03 What Sacred Means20:15 Knowing The Sacred22:43 Peak Nature Experience26:51 Navajo Ceremony Story30:39 Why Ritual Helps32:00 Therapy As Ritual

Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (PART 2)
Medical Trauma, Self-Advocacy & Identity Shifts | Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z
 
Dr. Christina Zampitella hosts Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z, a podcast on healing through grief and trauma, and discusses medical trauma with Carolyn from the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition. They explore how patients can advocate for themselves by preparing questions before appointments, debriefing afterward, and building agency through curiosity, note-taking, and asking for resources like social work, chaplains, spiritual care, and supportive services. Dr. Z shares personal experiences with cancer treatment, including the vital role of nurses’ empathy and the impact of identity shifts such as being labeled “the one who had cancer.” Carolyn emphasizes self-understanding, self-compassion, communication with caregivers and medical staff, and seeking trauma therapy for ongoing medical trauma. They also discuss widening one’s focus beyond illness, nurturing rituals, and a “logbook” exercise on losses, silver linings, and what matters now.
 
00:00 Podcast Introduction
00:25 Empathy in Medicine
02:19 Preparing for Appointments
05:59 Asking for Support
09:58 Trauma from Procedures
11:35 Coping and Self Knowledge
14:48 Caregiver Communication Tips
18:39 Identity After Illness
21:38 Making Peace with Change
24:23 Finding the Sweet Spot
24:58 Core Self and Values
26:18 Integrity Not Betrayal
29:03 Curiosity and Self Care
30:10 Building Support Networks
32:24 Communication and Gaslighting
35:32 Healing Medical Trauma
38:30 Resilience and Rituals
41:10 Logbook for Meaning
45:46 Closing Thanks and Resources

Medical Trauma: Anxiety, Agency, and Advocacy in Healthcare (PART 1)
Medical Trauma: How Healthcare Experiences Can Shatter Trust, Agency, and Safety | Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z
Dr. Christina Zampitella introduces Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z and welcomes grief therapist and educator Dr. Carolyn Ng to discuss medical trauma and why it is often unacknowledged in healthcare. Ng, associate director at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition with a background in pediatric oncology, palliative care, and bereavement, shares her experience as a breast cancer survivor and describes how trauma is defined by its impact, not the event itself, potentially shaking one’s worldview, self-concept, and trust in others. They explore medical trauma for patients, families, and staff, including triggers from hospital environments, invasive procedures, poor preparation, and ruptures with medical teams. Ng recounts feeling violated by Singapore’s TB treatment protocol that removed dignity and agency. Zampitella shares traumatic moments during her leukemia diagnosis, including dehumanizing language and lack of communication while placed on an overflow unit. They emphasize better patient orientation, advocacy, and supportive “buddy” or psychosocial resources.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR PART 2!
00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising01:01 Meet Dr Carolyn Ng02:15 Career in Grief and Oncology04:03 Cancer Survivor Perspective08:33 Defining Medical Trauma14:35 Patient Trauma Triggers20:12 TB Protocol Trauma Story26:16 Dignity and Lost Agency28:52 Agency And Betrayal29:58 Confronting The Oncologist32:39 Overflow Unit Trauma36:14 Fixing The Intake Gap38:53 Why Patients Stay Silent43:53 Piece Of Cake Mindset46:33 How To Self Advocate48:43 Empathy That Grounds

Born Into Loss: Grieving Deceased Siblings, Replacement Dynamics, and Healing After Family Silence
 
Dr. Christina Zampitella hosts Phoenix Rising with Dr. Z in a conversation about healing grief and trauma, focusing on “born after loss” experiences, disenfranchised grief for a sibling never met, and shifting “replacement dynamics” within families. They explore why families may hide an adopted-out or deceased child—shame, stigma, pain, and cultural messages about “moving on”—and the anguish of unanswered questions when parents have died. Practical meaning-reconstruction tools include letter-writing dialogues, rituals, therapy, and expressive arts; the guest shares creating a memorial memory box using saved dress pieces, pink wax, shells, and a vintage sign, highlighting process and product in art therapy. They discuss approaching parents with empathy while still owning one’s needs and anger, impacts on parenting and adult relationships, potential for post-loss growth, and concerns about the term “rainbow baby.” They close by recommending the book Born Into Loss: Shadows of Deceased Siblings and Family Journeys of Grief.
 
00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising
00:25 Born After Loss Grief
01:33 Why Families Hide Loss
04:15 When Answers Are Gone
06:00 Letters and Rituals
07:40 Memory Box Art Therapy
14:52 Process Over Product
16:22 Starting the Conversation
19:24 Anger and Repair
21:42 Relationships and Parenting
24:44 Post Loss Growth
29:31 Rainbow Baby Language
33:27 Book and Closing Thoughts

Born Into Loss: Healing After a Deceased Sibling with Dr. Z & Sarah Vollman
 
Dr. Christina Zampitella speaks with grief and loss clinician, researcher, and art therapist Sarah Vollman about being “born into loss,” when a child is born after a sibling has died. Vollman shares her family story of her sister Julie’s sudden drowning death at age six and discusses how traumatic loss reshapes family roles, attachment, and parenting capacity, sometimes creating “forgotten children.” They explore the need for long-term, practical support for bereaved families and how social networks often withdraw due to discomfort. Vollman explains how born-after siblings may face dismissal from others, pressure to help grieving parents, or expectations as a “replacement child,” including patterns she terms inadequate replacement” and “gift child,” and how these dynamics can affect surviving siblings, identity, and career paths in helping professions.
 
00:00 Welcome to Phoenix Rising
01:39 Meet Sarah Vollman
04:03 Julie’s Death and Aftermath
11:02 Parenting Through Devastation
13:37 Support Systems and Grief Literacy
17:42 What Born Into Loss Means
19:47 Replacement Child Pressures
24:19 Inadequate vs Gift Child Roles
29:09 Dr Z’s Personal Born Into Loss Story
35:40 Secrets, Silence, and Integration
39:02 How Dynamics Shift Over Time

Father's Day After Loss: Navigating Grief, Love & Complicated Relationships
 
Father's Day can be one of the most complicated days of the year for grieving people.
In this special Father's Day episode, Dr. Christina Zampitella shares both personal and professional reflections on what it means to navigate grief when reminders of loss are everywhere. Drawing from her own experience of losing her father, she explores the unique challenges that holidays and milestone dates can bring, including increased emotional reactivity, changes in sleep, difficulty concentrating, and the return of grief pangs that may catch us by surprise.
This episode also acknowledges a reality that many people experience but rarely talk about: not every relationship with a father was simple. Some relationships were loving but complicated. Some were marked by absence, conflict, or unmet needs. Others leave us grieving not only the father we had, but the father we wish we had.
Dr. Z discusses ways to honor your relationship, set boundaries around expectations, respond to unhelpful comments from others, and offer yourself compassion as you move through Father's Day in whatever way feels right for you.
Whether you are grieving a father, a father figure, or a complicated relationship, this episode is a reminder that there is no "right" way to experience this day.
Topics Discussed:• Why holidays and anniversaries intensify grief• Grieving a father with a complicated relationship• The father you lost vs. the father you wished you had• How different types of death can affect grief• Responding to unhelpful comments and grief myths• Setting boundaries during difficult holidays• Honoring the bond with a loved one who has died• Giving yourself permission to grieve in your own way
If this episode resonates with you, we'd love to hear from you in the comments.
 
Chapters:
00:00 Introduction & Why Father's Day Can Be Difficult 00:42 Why Grief Often Intensifies Around Special Dates 01:41 When Your Relationship With Dad Was Complicated 02:44 Grieving the Father You Wish You Had 03:23 Balancing Your Grief With Father's Day Expectations 04:11 How Dr. Z Plans to Honor Her Father 05:15 Finding Grace for Imperfect Parents 06:08 When You Had a Close Relationship With Your Dad 06:44 How a Father's Death Changes Family Roles 07:31 Why the Circumstances of Death Matter in Grief 08:11 Normalizing Difficult Memories and Grief Triggers 08:40 Responding to Unhelpful Comments About Grief 09:48 Repairing Relationships After Grief Misunderstandings 10:18 Common Emotional and Physical Grief Responses 11:03 Honoring Your Father or Father Figure 11:25 Setting Boundaries and Giving Yourself Grace 11:55 Closing Thoughts

Christina Zampitella hosts Gyani Richards, a grief counselor who shares how losing his father to cancer at age 13 shaped his lifelong path into meditation, mindfulness, and grief work. They discuss grief’s intensity and the fight/flight/freeze response, why self-compassion often disappears after loss, and how societal pressure and disenfranchised grief can amplify the inner critic. Gyani explains mindfulness as relaxation, alertness, and non-judgment—practiced formally or in daily moments—and how it helps distinguish a deeper, kinder inner voice from self-judgment. They explore pacing and dosing grief, the value of supportive witnessing, groups, and ritual, and somatic cues like softening the belly or warming in the chest. Christina shares her experience with yoga nidra for reducing reactivity and improving self-kindness, and Gianni closes with Rumi’s “The wound is where the light enters,” emphasizing grief as a sacred opportunity to be embraced.
 
GYANI’S WEBSITE: https://ourgriefpath.com/

Mindfulness & Grief: Self-Compassion, the Inner Critic, and Learning to Breathe Underwater 
 
Christina Zampitella hosts Gyani Richards, a grief counselor who shares how losing his father to cancer at age 13 shaped his lifelong path into meditation, mindfulness, and grief work. They discuss grief’s intensity and the fight/flight/freeze response, why self-compassion often disappears after loss, and how societal pressure and disenfranchised grief can amplify the inner critic. Gyani explains mindfulness as relaxation, alertness, and non-judgment—practiced formally or in daily moments—and how it helps distinguish a deeper, kinder inner voice from self-judgment. They explore pacing and dosing grief, the value of supportive witnessing, groups, and ritual, and somatic cues like softening the belly or warming in the chest. Christina shares her experience with yoga nidra for reducing reactivity and improving self-kindness, and Gianni closes with Rumi’s “The wound is where the light enters,” emphasizing grief as a sacred opportunity to be embraced.
 
GYANI’S WEBSITE: https://ourgriefpath.com/
 
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR PART 2!
 
00:00 Welcome and Introduction
02:08 Gyani’s Personal Story
03:54 Finding Meditation and Healing
06:12 Understanding Life Backwards
07:50 Marinating Grief and Mindfulness
11:52 Losing Self Compassion
14:37 Conservation Withdrawal and Judgment
18:37 Mindfulness Principles Explained
20:38 Distinguishing Inner Voices
22:55 Turning Towards Grief
24:49 Holding Space and Presence
26:44 Pacing and Dosing
27:25 The Body Speaks
29:15 Comprehensive Grief Work
30:01 Head to Heart Journey
32:18 Counseling and Self Talk
34:09 Meaning Making Process
35:42 Working with Inner Critic
38:33 Dropping Into Vulnerability